How much to give for a destination wedding

Couples who choose a destination wedding generally know they're asking guests to spend more just to attend. Many say outright that your presence is the gift. Even when they don't, it's widely accepted that a guest who has paid for flights and several nights of accommodation can give less than they would at a local wedding.

This isn't about being stingy. It's about keeping the total cost of celebrating someone reasonable, so the trip doesn't turn into a financial strain.

When you tell the calculator you're travelling significantly, it reduces its suggestion based on your estimated travel and accommodation cost in your chosen currency:

• Under 250: no reduction — a short trip barely changes things.
• 250 to 599: about 10% lower.
• 600 to 999: about 20% lower.
• 1,000 to 1,499: about 30% lower.
• 1,500 or more: about 40% lower.

These steps are a guide rather than a rule, but they reflect the general principle: the more it costs you to be there, the less pressure there should be on the gift itself.

Include the costs you take on specifically to attend: flights or trains, a hotel or rental, airport transfers and car hire. Some guests also count extra nights the couple has asked them to stay for welcome dinners or day-after events. Everyday spending you'd have anyway doesn't need to be included.

If you're sharing a room or splitting a rental with friends, use your own share rather than the full bill.

A few things can balance out the travel reduction:

• Closeness: immediate family and very close friends often give more regardless of the trip.
• A full weekend or multiple events: joining several days of celebrations can justify a slightly larger gift.
• An upscale or luxury celebration, especially when the couple are covering some guest costs.

If the couple have paid for your accommodation or hosted most of your meals, your own travel cost is lower, and it's reasonable to give closer to what you would at home.

Not everyone can make a destination wedding work, and couples generally expect some guests to decline. A card, a registry item or a modest gift is a kind way to share in the day from afar — the guide to giving when you're not attending covers this in more detail.

Start from the usual amount for your relationship, estimate what the trip will cost you, and reduce the gift accordingly. Then check the result against your own budget. You don't need to cover the cost of your plate, and there's no prize for overspending. The calculator does all of this for you in about a minute.